Sunny Outside 05/30/21

It was 73 degrees this Saturday, sunny and fresh. Rios and I took Gus to the local print shop, where I chatted with my buddy Eric for a few minutes and bought a t-shirt. We got burritos, chili dogs, and slushies. We listened to music in the car. He slept well through most of the day. I have nothing to complain about.

It’s important to recognize these days when they occur. I’m reminded of when I used to drink every day, how it felt like I had a weight sitting on me at all times. Then, when I stopped, that weight was lifted, and I wondered very quickly how I ever lived that way in the first place.

I hadn’t quite shaken the social media addiction at that point, and I probably still haven’t. That’s the addicts thing, right? Never not being one. My point is, now that I’m slowly moving away from it, getting a healthier relationship, I don’t understand why I let myself get that miserable over and over again. Why would I wake up and shoot that shit into my eyeballs? The mind boggles.

Being around a baby has put me into a strange and delightful headspace. Parenting already has so many challenges that I can’t overstate it, and there are plenty more on the horizon. But it has also effected my entire field of being. I am beginning to feel, in the substance of my being, the way I felt back in 1997. Roundabouts there, anyway. Having a child in the house is bringing back the spirit of childhood itself. I don’t mean this in a material way, but spiritually. I’m trying to figure out how to describe it well, but it’s a holistic change in perception.

What was it like back in 1997? How about 1999? What was it like to be genuinely excited to go out with my friends armed with nothing but a cap gun? What was it like to boot up Goldeneye with no plans for the rest of the day? What was it like to write stories on computer paper and staple them together, to be genuinely proud that I made something cool? These are all the energies I’m soaking in now, and they simply make life better, more “worth it.”

It’s sunny outside.

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